A Call to Funds

Hi guys, 

please take a look at my Patreon page and donate if you can.

I’m trying to raise money for therapy, which is pretty damned expensive, and my part time hours aren’t enough to get me through the month, let alone pay for therapy. I am looking for jobs in order to pay for it myself, but so far I’ve had little luck.

My mental health has been rapidly deteriorating in the last few months, and I’m currently at a point where I’m too scared, anxious, depressed and sleep deprived to be able to do much of anything.

I really need your help - whether that’s donating a few dollars a month, or sharing and reblogging and retweeting this post so other people can see and maybe help me - every little thing you do will be appreciated. 

In return for your donations I’ll be writing as much as I possibly can, and creating as much art as I can. And hopefully that’ll help put a smile on your face, and on mine.

Much love,
Timony
xoxox

How To (Not) be Okay

Lie about the fact that you’re not okay, miss him beyond words, distract yourself with every pretty guy that reminds you of him, cry when you know no one is looking, give up on love. Run away as far you can, tell everyone it’s for the job, for the adventure, for the opportunity. You know it’s not. You know it’s because you can’t stand to be there anymore. Say goodbye to empty air, hope he thinks about you as much as you think about him. Try to hate him. Immerse yourself in a new country, pretend there’s hope for you yet. Don’t think about all the conversations you had, don’t think about that (short) amount of time you had together (that would never have amounted to anything), don’t think about the way he made you feel. Lie some more, tell everyone you’re happy, throw yourself into work, throw yourself at every pretty guy that reminds you of him, desperately try to replace him and fail, drown in the wine (and the beer and the sangria and whatever else you can find). Wonder at what you’re doing, wonder when you started feeling this way and why you feel this way and when you’ll stop. Wish things were different, fight the urge to jump on a plane just to go fall at his feet, know that he’s not worth it but let your heart take over your head anyway. Find reasons not to think about him. Miss everything about him. Miss the smiles, the ridiculous comments, the way it all felt right. Lie to yourself some more. Distract yourself some more. Write about him and hope he sees it. Fantasise about him changing his mind and telling you all the things you want to hear. Know it’ll never happen. Decide you’re going on a world tour. Feel empty inside. Wish every guy you touch was him. Try to forget. Try not to cry. Try not to give up on love altogether. Try and try and try and hope that one day you’ll wake up and he’ll be another distant memory – just like every other guy you’ve ever ‘loved’.

Oh. Hi.

I haven't posted here in a while, but apparently you guys are still reading my words. i'd totes like to shrug and be all whatevs about it all, but it feels pretty damn good that you guys are still out there and still reading me. cause let's be honest, that's what this was all about wasn't it really? it was for me to word vomit and be all egotistical and cry for attention and whatnots and for you guys to indulge poor little Tim and make her feel better about her sad and pathetic existence.

'cept, only, it's not so sad or pathetic or little anymore

i still fall in love too easily with the wrong things at the wrong times, and i still write heartachingly broken things and sometimes i still cry and sometimes they still only tell me i'm beautiful when i'm naked

but mostly i smile a lot and laugh and i'm in love with the right one at the right time

but who knows maybe i'll still write pathetically heartbreaking things every once in a while

maybe

Love, or Something Like It

Someone - no, not someone, that someone, him, the one I’ll never really understand and I’ll definitely never forget - he once asked me what love is. I couldn’t answer him then, mostly because I never really knew but I think I have a pretty good answer now. I can almost imagine how that conversation would go if it was to happen now. It wouldn’t be pleasant  but then hearing the truth rarely is, is it?

“Love is like me. Love is fickle, impatient and demanding. Ungrateful and petulant. Love is vain. Conceited. Arrogant.Wholly joyous and utterly melancholic. Love is selfish. Far more than you could begin to imagine, and yet love gives more of itself than you could believe. Love is graceful, clumsy, beautiful but uglier than sin. Love makes everything worthwhile, and you waste yourself while giving it everything it asks for. Love gets its claws into you and doesn’t let go until you’re desperate and dying. Love enjoys teasing you, making promises it intends to, but will never, keep. Love makes you wait and watches while you wither with a smile on it’s face. Love loves making you feel guilty for the crimes it commits against you. Love is fleeting. It will make your dreams come true and then up and disappear when you think you’re in paradise. Love is a bitch, a vile, sadistic bitch. And you will fall hard, and all the while love will taunt and twist you into something you cannot recognise. That, my dear, is what love is.”

“Is that what you really think? Is that what you’ll do to me?”

“Haven’t I already?”

“I think so.”

“I did love you once, you know, differently. Before love became just another way to get I want.”

 

Being Holly Golightly

Sunday, sometime around ten, maybe nine
I'm on my third glass of wine - Merlot, of course
& halfway through
Breakfast at Tiffany's 

I'm thinking - as always - about all sorts
Mostly who I used to be
& who I am today
& who I might be tomorrow or Thursday

Maybe, just maybe, if I go back to who I was
(The brown version of Holly Golightly)
I'll feel a little, tiny bit better about
Who I am on this rather depressing Sunday

Perhaps a pretty dress
Will put a smile back on my face
& heels may put a spring back in my step
& maybe someday I'll have my Fred/Paul too 

How To Break My Heart - Another Step by Step Guide

Step One:

• Hop into bed with your ex. 
• Decide it’s a ‘mistake’. 
• Act like nothing ever happened.

Step Two:

• Lie to me. 
• Promise me a future. 
• For five whole months. 

Step Three:

• Let your ex treat me like shit. 
• Watch me fall apart. 
• Don’t do anything about it. 

Step Four:

• Confess when I confront you. 
• Use a poor excuse or three. 
• Pretend like it’s all just dandy. 

Step Five:

• Parade your ex. 
• Act like she’s far more important than me. 
• Swear it’s ‘friendship’ that matters while swearing all you want is for me to be happy. 

Step Six:

• Watch me fall apart some more. 
• Watch us fall apart. 
• Swear you love me some more. 
• Say goodbye. 

How To Write a Fairy Tale (& Lose Faith in Happily Ever After)

i

Imagine the kind of life you’ve always wanted
Fill it with good things
Like
Smiles and laughter and intertwining fingers

ii

Write it down in cursive with your favourite pen in your favourite journal
Hide it away in the one place no one will ever find it
Tell yourself it’s not for you, best to forget
You’re more of the happily-never-after type anyway

iii

Kiss a lot of very ugly frogs
Never think about Prince Charming
Though you’re quite sure you might have met him
Once Upon a Time

iv

Kiss another frog and find a Prince Charming
Remember that fairy tale you wrote way back when 
Live it, love it
Until

v

Prince Charming turns out to be a good looking frog
Who’s just as slimy as the ones that came before
This is the part where the clock strikes midnight and you
Run

vi

Leaving nothing but a broken heart behind