Being Holly Golightly

Sunday, sometime around ten, maybe nine
I'm on my third glass of wine - Merlot, of course
& halfway through
Breakfast at Tiffany's 

I'm thinking - as always - about all sorts
Mostly who I used to be
& who I am today
& who I might be tomorrow or Thursday

Maybe, just maybe, if I go back to who I was
(The brown version of Holly Golightly)
I'll feel a little, tiny bit better about
Who I am on this rather depressing Sunday

Perhaps a pretty dress
Will put a smile back on my face
& heels may put a spring back in my step
& maybe someday I'll have my Fred/Paul too 

Once Upon A Time

I found someone
I fell in love with a voice
With a smile
With a sparkle in his eyes
I found my Prince Charming
Only he’ll never be mine

I went to find him
And I fell in love with a voice
With a smile
With a sparkle in his eyes
I met my Prince Charming
Only he’ll never be mine


I had to say goodbye to him
The voice I love
And the smile I love
And that sparkle in his eyes
I said goodbye to my Prince Charming
Knowing he'll never be mine

For Now

I wish I had the courage to say
All of the things I want to
But I am afraid, so afraid
That you will not want to hear them

I want to tell you that you
Are all that I can think of
That you are the first who has
Made me feel truly alive

I want to tell you that you
Are everything I have ever dreamed of
That you are perfect in every
Single little thing you do

I want to tell you that
I love you, want you , need you
More than anything I have
Ever loved, wanted, needed before

But I am not yet brave enough
Or sure enough, to speak these words
Out loud, to you, in person or writing
So I shall hold my tongue

                        For now

Because I Can't Sleep (and You're Not Here)

It's five thirty am
I am sitting in on the couch almost naked
I feel like I should be doing something productive
Like sleeping
Or maybe eating
I need to clean up
And buy food – more food
I need to do lots of things

I'm wishing that you were here with me
Because then I wouldn't be writing this
I would be sleeping beside you
Curled up and peaceful
Or maybe stretched out like the cat
Things would be okay then
Because I would feel warm
And maybe a little fuzzy inside

It's almost light outside
Sleeping seems like a redundant thought
I hope the sun will shine today
Then I might go outside again
And actually appreciate the niceness
I might just make a sandwich
And get on the bus
And go to the loch
And write things that are nicer than this

I'm wishing you were here even more
Because I could wake you and tell you
That we're going to sit by the water's edge
And watch the sunlight reflect off the ripples
Of the freezing loch waters
And write things and talk about the things that we write
And then you could hold me when it gets too cold
And I would feel happier than I feel just now

I'm not sure what I would do if you were here
I would laugh and maybe cry and maybe kiss you
Because those are the kinds of things I do
And you would laugh because I am crying
And I would laugh because you are laughing
And I like to see you laugh
I would like it if we were laughing together
While we sit by the loch and drink tea
From a thermos – I feel like that should have
A Capital Letter T

It is almost six am now
It feels like I've wasted twenty minutes
Trying to make sense
And I still don't feel any better
And you're still not here
I think I might just sleep now
It seems better than going out in the cold

re: World of Warcraft

You're different than the others I've known
You're more than I expected
You're more than I wanted
You're everything I ever needed
It's funny how that happens
When you least expect it
I won't ask you why though
I'm tired of questions
Let's be WoW boyfriend & girlfriend?

Sitting Scared

I am sitting here
Right now
Contemplating things
I like to say I’m
‘Contemplating’
It makes me seem thoughtful
Or something like that
I am not very thoughtful
Or mindful, or anything else
I just… am
I am just sitting here
Wondering why I am
So damn scared to write

1.11 a.m.

I talk about myself a lot.
I talk to myself a lot.
I’m not vain or crazy.
I’m just a little lonely sometimes.
I spend a lot of time on my own.
I spend a lot of time with myself.
I guess that’s why most of my writing is about me.
I guess that could be a good reason for being self centred.
I guess that could also be a really shit reason.
But I really don’t give a fuck.
But I do wish I wasn’t so lonely. 

Plans

I make plans. Big ones. Little ones.
I make plans. For dinner. For coffee.
I make plans. And they get cancelled.
I make plans. To cancel plans.
I make plans. For the future. For the past.
I make plans. To forget. To remember.
I make plans. I should stop making plans. 

3.57 a.m.

I’m still awake.
I’m lonely in the online world.
I wish you guys would talk to me.
I wish you guys would love me.
I wish I wasn’t awake.
I wish I was dreaming. Of dreamy things.
I wish my muse wasn’t so bloody fickle.
I wish for a lot of things. Mostly money.
I wish I wasn’t so damn poor.
I’m still awake. 

3.39 a.m.

Is thinking on Tumblr
the same as thinking out loud?
When you read the words I’ve written
do you hear my voice in surround sound?
Do you even read my thoughts
or am I asking for too much here?

3.29 a.m.

I keep seeing all these skinny girls on my dash,
on the farcebook,
on the interwebs.

I’m clearly doing something wrong,
I must be,
I have curves. 

3 a.m.

I think a lot. When I’m in bed.
I wonder what it would be like to be a different person.
I wonder what it would be like to be the same person with a different life.
I wonder if I would be happy. Happier. Not happy.
I wonder if I would make the same mistakes. Decisions. Fuck Ups.
I wonder if I’ll wake up tomorrow and not know who I am.
I wonder if I’d really like that. Forgetting.
I wonder if it would be better not to be me.
I wonder if it would be worse to be someone else.
I wonder if I wonder too much. Too little.
I wonder if this would be considered ‘confessional writing’.
I wonder if that would make me cool.