29 October 2013

How To (Not) be Okay

Lie about the fact that you’re not okay, miss him beyond words, distract yourself with every pretty guy that reminds you of him, cry when you know no one is looking, give up on love. Run away as far you can, tell everyone it’s for the job, for the adventure, for the opportunity. You know it’s not. You know it’s because you can’t stand to be there anymore. Say goodbye to empty air, hope he thinks about you as much as you think about him. Try to hate him. Immerse yourself in a new country, pretend there’s hope for you yet. Don’t think about all the conversations you had, don’t think about that (short) amount of time you had together (that would never have amounted to anything), don’t think about the way he made you feel. Lie some more, tell everyone you’re happy, throw yourself into work, throw yourself at every pretty guy that reminds you of him, desperately try to replace him and fail, drown in the wine (and the beer and the sangria and whatever else you can find). Wonder at what you’re doing, wonder when you started feeling this way and why you feel this way and when you’ll stop. Wish things were different, fight the urge to jump on a plane just to go fall at his feet, know that he’s not worth it but let your heart take over your head anyway. Find reasons not to think about him. Miss everything about him. Miss the smiles, the ridiculous comments, the way it all felt right. Lie to yourself some more. Distract yourself some more. Write about him and hope he sees it. Fantasise about him changing his mind and telling you all the things you want to hear. Know it’ll never happen. Decide you’re going on a world tour. Feel empty inside. Wish every guy you touch was him. Try to forget. Try not to cry. Try not to give up on love altogether. Try and try and try and hope that one day you’ll wake up and he’ll be another distant memory – just like every other guy you’ve ever ‘loved’.

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