8 March 2012

Rambling Thoughts


You know what really sucks? Being told that you are a dirty whore. That you deserve everything that is happening to you. When you are eight years old. Being subject to the whims of someone else. Doing as you are told in the hopes that bad things won't happen. They still happen. They don't stop. Having to keep secrets that almost kill you. That's what sucks. Becoming bitter, and poisonous and hateful. That sucks. Not being able to make it stop. That sucks. Being scared to sleep, and scared to wake up. Wishing that you were dead every single day. Nightmares. Flashbacks. Memories. They all suck. Being scared to tell because no one will believe you. That sucks. Having these memories taking over your entire life. Having his lessons stuck in your head. Not caring about yourself. Not caring about anything but getting rid of the pain. That sucks. Not knowing how to say how you're feeling out loud. Not knowing how to put all of that hurt, hatred, misery, disgust, self loathing in to words. Having to carry it around on your back like some sort of back pack filled with the heaviest boulders you could find. That sucks. Being so scared of hurting other people in case they do worse to you. Being scared full stop. All of it sucks. Trying to grasp that one straw of hope that keeps slipping away. That feeling of failure every time you slip back into the hole. That sucks. Being a failure because you can't climb out of that hole again. No matter how hard you try. Being scared. Always scared. Wanting to cry for no reason. Taking pills that aren't making a difference. Waking up and not knowing where you are. Not caring where you are. Wishing that you were dead. Wishing that you were someone else. Wishing that it would just stop. The voices. That one face that haunts you every second of every day. That bastard still walking free. Not knowing what to do. Not caring. Losing the fight with the voices in your head. Realising that because of that bastard you may have to spend the rest of your life in therapy. Taking pills. Wondering if you'll ever be sane again. Hallucinations. They suck. Hearing his words echoed over and over again. Hearing yourself say his words over and over again. Believing you are useless. Believing you are a failure. That sucks. Not knowing how to be normal. What the fuck is normal? Disappointing everyone. Leaving behind the ones you love because there is no other way. Not seeing your family for years. Having people think the worst of you. Caring what they think. Forcing yourself to forget they exist because it hurts too much. The lies. The lies that you tell yourself. The lies that you tell every one else. Pretending to be okay because you don't know how else to cope. Having to relive every fucking detail every night in your dreams. That sucks. Having to talk about it. Having to tell people how it makes you feel. Wanting to scream. Wanting to cry. Wanting to break something. Anything. Yourself. Bleeding in secret because it's the only thing that distracts you from the torture you put yourself through. The torture you learned from him. Wishing that you could just forget. Putting shit in your system trying to do just that. Blocking it out. Alcohol. Drugs. Wanting to die. Wishing it had never happened. Playing a constant game of what if. Wondering what he's doing right now. Wondering why he chose you. Wondering what you did that was so wrong. Losing faith. Being punished for something that wasn't your fault. Having to talk about how you're feeling. Having to relive all of it. Explaining. Wondering why anyone would care about a dirty, useless piece of shit. Remembering. Wanting to forget. Not knowing how to explain. Not knowing how to fix it. Trying to fix everything because you can't fix your own life. Trying to make everyone else happy because that's the only way to stop bad things happening. Learning the wrong things. Not knowing any more. Wanting to give up. Trying to fight. Fighting. With yourself. With memories. Failing. Falling. Getting back up again. Fighting some more. Wanting to give up. Wondering if anyone would notice if you just gave up. Worrying about someone else so you don't have to worry about the things in your head. Wishing it would stop. Listening to the doubtful voices in your head telling you you're useless. Believing them. Failing. Fighting. Over and over again. Will anyone notice if you're not okay? Pretend you're okay so no one guesses what's really going on. Being numb so you don't have to feel the pain. Being heartless so you don't hurt. Wishing the pain would stop. Wishing. Always wishing. Trying to change things. Being dragged backwards by your own doubts. Trying to win. Losing. Failing. Falling. Not making sense. Getting mixed up. Being scared. Nightmares that don't stop. Staying up all night so you don't have to dream. Becoming the monster that you were always scared of. Hurting yourself. Hurting everyone. Living a life so full of pain you forget what it feels like to be at peace. Turmoil. Shadows jumping out at you. Wondering why the pills don't work. Wishing you didn't have to take them. Blocking out the pain with more pills. Not caring what happens to you any more. Getting into stupid situations. Hurting yourself on purpose because you deserve anything better. Wishing it would stop. Learning what life is supposed to be like. Feeling like you don't deserve that. Because he told you so. Personality disorder. Because he fucked you up. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Because he mentally and physically raped you. Medication. Because he twisted you into something no one recognises any more. Trying to figure out who you're supposed to be. Trying to find a way to recognise the right from the wrong. Trying to be someone else. Failing. Believing all the things he has ever said to you. Echoing it. Feeling it. Wishing that you knew how to fix this mess that you've become. Feeling like you're making progress and then fucking up again. Seeing your family after years apart and drowning in more memories. More nightmares. Wishing you could just give up. Trying to fight. Failing. Always failing. Feeling better. Feeling worse. Not finding a balance. Going from one to another like a yo-yo. Wishing you could just stop somewhere in the middle. Feel normal. Wondering why you can't settle. Wondering why you can't just be. Hoping that you;ll wake up tomorrow and feel happy again. Feeling bad when you don't. Feeling worse because you don't know why you feel like this. Not knowing what to do. Not knowing how to cope. Trying to be okay. Not being okay. Trying not to be miserable. Trying not to upset others. Wishing you could just be numb again. Wishing you didn't feel so bad. Being sorry. Apologising. Always apologising. Wondering when you'll learn that not everything you do is wrong. Not everything is your fault. It never has been your fault. Wondering what you can do to fix it. Not knowing the answers. Not wanting to burden any one else with your worries. Worrying that you're worrying everyone else. Trying to be okay so no one worries. Feeling like shit because your thoughts and words and feelings upset someone else. Wishing that you would stop being so damn sensitive. Wondering how you turned into this. Wondering why you're not stronger. Wondering why you can't seem to get it right. Always wondering. Always trying. Always wanting to give up. Always failing. Hoping that one day it will get better. Hoping that you'll be able to keep fighting. All of that really sucks.

8 comments:

  1. Wow. Between this one and your Jesus one, I'm blown away. This is very open and raw, but it's amazing. From the heart, your inner monologue stuff is very emotional. Own it, it's fuel for creativity. Whether art, poetry or whatever. It's something you can use.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you TL! I think I might just stick to writing like this for a while - as well as helping me deal with things, it seems people like it!

      Delete
    2. Can't put it any better than TL, so I'll just concur.

      Delete
  2. I don't know what to say, 'Timony. That was incredible. Very raw. I know you might not think so, but I do think you have real talent.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you Terence! I know I can always rely on you to make me feel better :)

      Delete
  3. You not only have talent, but you have survived something horrible. If it helps you to type up your feelings on your blog, then do it. Do it every day. And don't give up. One day you will wake up and feel different and talking about how you feel will help you get there. I am listening. :)

    ReplyDelete
  4. This is not only moving, raw and powerful but when I read it it makes me feel hopeful. You've lived through something awful, dreadful but you're exploring it, owning it and doing so twisting it into something that will ultimately make you victorious. You've already proved your strength and courage.

    I had a good, dear friend who was never able to do what you did right here. I had a relative who was never able to do what you did right here. The more you talk about, write about and own your past dark and unbearable moments and all, the more you shine light on it and make it impossible that you will ever be back in that dark, silent, tortured place. I'm so proud you!

    ReplyDelete

I like to talk. I also like to listen. Leave me your thoughts.