The First, And The Last

She fell in love for the first time. Completely, hopelessly in love. She fell for words that charmed and promised and fueled hopes she never knew she'd had. For a smile that made her feel the keeper of undisclosed secrets and half heard truths and half finished lies. For eyes that saw through her mask of pretty and bravado and still beheld her as beautiful. For that wide-eyed, lip-biting, barely-there-breath feeling she had heard of but never felt. She fell in love and lust and want and need. She broke her rules and played a game she'd witnessed but never understood. She felt, for the first time, she truly felt. She gave up and gave in. She fell for him; hard and fast and too-quick-to-think. She gave her heart away, without thought and without care. She said a breathless hello and goodbye arrived before she could breathe again. She tried to forget, but he'd taken over; mind and body and heart and soul. He was the first to make her feel this way, and she promised he would be the last.

Tonight Would Not Be The End

i.

Do something for yourself, they told her.
Do something out of the ordinary, they said.

And so she threw caution to the wind, logic took a step out of the window, her heart took over. This was her chance; to finally do something that she wanted, something extraordinary. A chance for something new, happiness.

Only it turned out she shouldn’t have. She should never have given her heart in say in matters. Because now she’s back where she started; out in the cold, heart broken and sadness engulfing.The extraordinary fast becoming ordinary.

ii.

Don’t get attached, she always said.
Don’t let anyone in too far, she promised.

Only, this time, she forgot to close to the door to the gilded cage she liked to keep herself in. She let him in too far, let him see all of her. She let him touch her scars and feel her flaws and know her inside and out. She forgot to guard herself, like she always had done. Those were her first mistakes.

She believed him when he said he could love her with her flaws and secret ugliness. She should never have believed those words. Words are just words, after all. Moments of love are just fleeting.

Now she sits, hopelessly searching for the key to her gilded cage. Promising never to come back out. Emotions and attachment are too much for her to deal with. Heartbreak is something she’s never had before, and never wants again. She’s back to being the one keeping others at arm’s length.

iii.

You’re worthless, they whispered.
You’re undeserving, they screamed.

And so she heard them, and listened. She tried to drown them out; tried to distract herself.
She put on her prettiest dress, and fixed her tear stained face. She began walking along the long path of self destruction. Hate filled and sorrowful.

Soon she found herself in her favourite place. Stars filled the sky as the river rushed past. She climbed up on the railing and thought of ending it all. No more misery.

Then she thought of all those who loved her; R, her flame-haired Jiminy Cricket. S, the one who is always there. K, who never fails to make her smile. B, the one who accepted her when all others turned her away. She shook her head, and with it the fuzziness. Tonight would not be the end of her.

In the park, one sunny afternoon

The sun is shining and I am
(as usual)
Thinking of you
(mostly wondering why it is always you)
There is a hobo-looking-guy smoking a joint
(i quite like the smell)
I feel like I want to climb the rope-tower-thing
(we used to call it 'the rocket')
And feel like I am on top of the world
Or sit on a swing and swing as high as I can
Until my legs get tired
Or hop on the round-a-bout and ask the hobo
To push me round until I get dizzy
The sun is still shining
The hobo is still smoking his joint
I haven't done any of the things I felt like doing
(and I'm still thinking of you)